Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
