Your face is a jimmy john
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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