Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
