The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
