he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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