I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
