We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
