take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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