went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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