i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You pole danced in your parka.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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