I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
