shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Randomize
