A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
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