Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
