my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
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