the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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