I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
