I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
