i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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