Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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