I am puke
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
