I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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