Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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