My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
