good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
