im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
