Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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