mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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