Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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