People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
