I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
