My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
