from now on my penis is your penis
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
