He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
