I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize