First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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