My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
