Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Boobs speak an international language.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
