god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
