even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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