I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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