I wish I could punch you in the face.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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