The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
