I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
