At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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