Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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