He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize