I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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