u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You have to summon your inner elephant
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
