Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
