she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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