True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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