Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
he had hair everywhere except his balls
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
