office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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