Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
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