If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize