I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
