Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
