For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
