This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
