I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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